Too Old For This

Die Hard

You know the line. Usually spoken by an ersatz Bruce Willis type, it is well past cliché, sliding in safely but awkwardly beyond its years to self-parody, as predictable as the pablum in which it appears.

[And note, I like every other Die Hard movie.]

And yet, here I am: Too old for this.

I am too old to go from zero to 200 decibels in 2.4 seconds.
I am too old to respond to random direct marketing pleas.
I am too old to argue that the next political product saves.

Ah yes, my friends, there was a time. Back in the day. When I was a lad. Etc. Ad nauseum.

*

The newspaper-covered, sticky floor of our puppy years is unbecoming as our coats gray.

My angry young man-noise should give way to listening. Quietly.
My gullible-covet should cede time and place to ignoring. Contently.
My blind-pride devotion should know by now that yet another … isn’t.

Ah yes, my friends, the sins of yesteryear. Youth is wasted on, and by, the young. Ad infinitum.

*

Now it wouldn’t be a bad thing to get all of this earlier. But sometimes I think this learning curve doesn’t work that way, which is why it takes 18 years for humans to be considered adults and 18 weeks for actual puppies to be so. So much massive mistaking seems to need the personal touch before we actually ‘get’ it.

And there is a lot to learn.

So to eventually notice how near the word pleas is to the word please is better than nothing. Nearly a full decade past Dante’s “midway on this life we’re bound” … well, OK. Alright. I’ll take it.

*

Not pleas as in please-and-thank-you-so-much.

That’s kindness and gratitude and salutary. Do it.

But pleas as in please please please read my blog or please please please buy my impossibly technically over-named doohickidgety that will bring more people to your blog or, worst of all, please please please vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true.

*

Don’t hear what I’m not saying.

Of course there is righteous angry.
Certainly we must sometimes buy.
And voting may even be our duty.

All these proprieties are possible.

*

But … seriously?! As the kids say.

Absolutely everything ticks you off?
This random ad gets your money?
And every 730 days life matters?

If ya think … well that could be a problem. It’s called grow up.

*

Look

All that stuff we think and say and do, that we think and say and do to make the planet(s) spin and the galaxies form and the stars die, does not actually do all that. We’re the highest form of creation, and we suck big time almost all the time. Time to let someone else handle it. Word.
Some random ad — I mean that near-literally, not because the kids say
random — claims it ‘gets’ you and should therefore get your attention. No way. Do these guys also bet on horses in ignorance, loan money to guys in bus depots, and have sex with someone they met in a bar. Oh.
You mean to say the most vital absolutely important choice (let alone mere election) we’ll ever make, ever, in the entire history of mankind, is this one? By 57% of the adult, registered, voters in a single country that’s existed for just 240 years? And this smilin’ dude here, saves? Right.

OK?

*

You know the line. It sometimes has an extra word at the end of it. I do not say additional word but extra.

It isn’t needed in those movies; in fact, absent Bruce Willis it detracts. T’isn’t here either, and for a near-similar reason.

Yet I began this essai with that word in that place, purporting to anchor the subject with its heft. Some do still think it even has gravitas.

Well.

It has its place, its use, sometimes even at our age.

Bruce Willis can still make it work, because long (long) ago he made it his.

He can say that line all he wants. We expect it, and would demand refunds if he didn’t.

[Could do without that annoying damn smirk, though. And not just sayin’ … as the kids say.]

*

Still, I realized as I wrote, not here and, most cogently, not now.

Because the perquisite, even the prerogative, of maturity is not to acquire wisdom, not even to dispense it with wink and nudge, which is as easy as a young man’s misplaced angering and acquiring and admiring.

It is to exercise it.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent

Coyotes and Christians

I am not saying Christians are like coyotes. [For that, some could cut caustically to coyotes are like Christians — tricksters, roaming in the dark, feeding on the dead … ] Simply noticed — somewhat in passing, as it’s said, having attained, apparently … achieved? … some kind of state where nearly anything I hear,

Read More »

And Did Dostoevsky Say ‘Beauty Will Save’

Short answer: he did not. Neither did Prince Myshkin, that we know of. Likely both believed it. Beauty — in the person of Christ — will do so. And clearly D wrote of M in The Idiot to explore art and beauty and ugliness and salvation. But did he say it, and did he believe that

Read More »

What I Recalled Watching Netflix

[Television is educational.]   One Saying the same stuff over and over looks like you have different things to say. Two If you’re ever in a below-average film or streaming series, and you beat the tar out of a guy, in a house, and you gaze down in both some shock as also a certain

Read More »

Seeking the King

A line everywhere misattributed to Chesterton reads thus: The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God. This line is not from the great [several senses of the word] man who recently celebrated his 150th birthday, but the mid-century most unmodern novelist Bruce Marshall. The words — which do

Read More »

Random

Never Get Out Of The Boat

So you’re on this boat. You’re near enough to land if you want some of that, but you don’t exactly want to leave the old life. The old life in this case is not the bad old days B.C. Those are way gone. In fact, they mayn’t even be optional for you anymore. Sorry. That’s

Read More »

What Price Anger

Anger cost small for years then nearly all. Like decades of tossing nickels and dimes in a 5-gallon water bottle until it can’t be carried anymore not even to the Coinstar or your credit union and if you tried you’d hurt something and badly … or the plastic o’er time has degraded and the bottle

Read More »

Meme! Meme! Meme!

Memes are perfect for the extremely limited things they can do. Or as my Da usedta say, prolly swiping from mid-20th century comedian Benny Youngman Berle, they’re in pretty good shape for the shape they’re in. If they weren’t limited they wouldn’t be easy and if they weren’t easy they wouldn’t be common and as

Read More »

Tesla Girl

Someone the other day called Elon Musk both an “inventor” and “a badass” but he is neither. Let me say flat-out, upfront, and clearly it’s good that Musk — entrepreneur behind the Tesla carmaker, companies involved in solar power and space exploration, and who was previously part of PayPal — is alive. We need people like him

Read More »

Related

Pieta

I don’t think next year will be so different from this year. Which after all was not so different from the one before. But I think you can be different from last year and I can. Which after all may be true for you as it was also for me.

Read More »

When We Lie

If mere humans may have things abominable to them, mine is lying. I hate it in nearly all forms: commercial advertising and political propaganda, of course, as well as even when people doing good things feel compelled to pretend they are flawless: that the rotten thing they just did is required by that good thing

Read More »

All Hat No Cattle

The men I respected most when I wrote about the golf business — and being the golf business they were mostly men — were course superintendents. I loved talking with them, because they more than nearly anyone else wanted to be there simply for the grass and the golfers, and in that order. And this

Read More »

Subjective, Objective

The other day I wrote on a wing and a whim … and misremembering. Or as Prufrock put it, quoting Woman — That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all. Nearly nothing I recalled happened in that way. Except of course the recalling. And a bit more. Wasn’t a

Read More »