All You Can Eat Adultery

I get all the adultery I want.

It’s true. Ask Michele.

Thing is, I don’t want any.

You may have guessed this, but others may have thought Wha — ?

Aye, and there is the (naked back) rub.

I don’t want any adultery because I love my wife. This is true, and it’s the main, unspoken, foundational reason that comes way way way way prior to others I’ll mention in a moment. It’s the “Prime Reason” or “Reason Zero” and it comes Super Premium First and it’s always chugging along in the background, no matter how big a bastard I can be.

And since I can be a big one, I also have reasons for when I’m not especially fond of her, which is sadly what we sometimes mean by “I love my wife.” This is where the Foci on the Families and the Families Lives Today go wrong in much of their presentation, and the practice they push at us: because what happens when you don’t “love” (weak tea meaning) your wife?

What then?

OK, so it’s not like women beat down my door and I don’t get out much and so it isn’t likely anyway.

But on the off chance the Cubs win the pennant, my point is — and I do have one — or rather three.

1. God. I love God. Also badly, as far better (and worse) men have said, How can I do this thing?
2. Pain. Evil rips your guts out by your butt, feeds them back to you bloody. It’s how it works.
3. Stupid. What man with a modicum of mojo remaining would want another woman around.

It’s hard enough learning to live with just the one. Now you’re going to add an entirely brand new girl, with all her shit, and endless expectations, and baggage, and hideous habits, and did I mention bags of shit?

Possess you even a scintilla of common sense?

They don’t call ’em the opposite sex for nothing.

In a more visionary vein, Chesterton says keeping to one woman is a small price for even seeing one —

No restriction on sex seemed so odd and unexpected as sex itself … To complain that I could only be married once was like complaining that I had only been born once. It was incommensurate with the terrible excitement of which one was talking.

It reflected not greater awareness of and interaction with sex, but less. Debauchery, meanwhile, is random and indifferent. But focusing on that one woman we’ve been given takes dedication, commitment, perseverance, and work. All the things a man — need I note I mean a real one? — excels at.

We love work, and a woman is a lot of it, and one woman is enough of it.

And that’s focusing, working, and enjoying. If seeing one is exciting, consider seeing her naked.

Whoa.

She whom ’tis incredible to see, naked or otherwise, shall this not be enough, nay, more than enough?

OK, yeah, fine: more than enough in more ways than one but, really, so the heck what? Yeesh, dude.

“That man is a fool,” says Chesterton, “who complains he cannot enter Eden by five gates at once.”

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent

Trick Shot

Sometimes successful films — ones that aren’t expected to be, by many excellent people — spawn copycats, a fact as well-known as well-attested. The followers aren’t as awesome as the originals but they’re not always so awful, and the makers, if they care a little, will throw some new stuff in, or at least get people

Read More »

No Prizes for Subtlety

It was the sort of place you wouldn’t be found dead in; the guy on the floor didn’t agree. Didn’t seem to like the floor — but it was in better shape than his face. Then someone had gone duck hunting on his chest. And either another guy was standing in front of me, or

Read More »

Can We Tawk?

Comedienne Joan Rivers’ catchphrase was, ‘Can we talk?’ with all that that entails — its rhetorical nature, the Jewish thing, an implication that at least one of the parties will be better off for having done so … Like God. T’other day a priest spoke of ontological remembrance, the immediate and ongoing memory of past-present-future

Read More »

Hide and See

Something lost, Dallas Willard said once, might yet be very valuable. One’s car keys for instance. He was speaking somewhat in the context of salvation, if I recall … the general point was calling something lost doesn’t mean it’s not wanted — quite the opposite. Yet it remains … until finding its way out or being found

Read More »

Random

Covidomatic Libs

  Dear _____ , (supporter, donor, customer, friend, co-afflicted) In these _____ (unprecedented, challenging, dangerous, difficult) times, we know you’re _____ (standing strong, bearing up well, getting ripe, fingering the edge of the cleaver and gazing at your partner’s neck) and miss our _____ (plums, belly dancers, unmatched selection of fine wines, engine repair tutorials)

Read More »

People of Costco

We got some of our Christmas presents at Costco and I’m not sorry. For I am not ashamed of the gospel of volume discounting, for it is the confidence of 30 rolls of absorbent toilet paper and the power of barrels of mayonnaise unto certain kinds of satiation, and two items not unrelated in the

Read More »

The Amazing Amazingness of Amazing Stuff

Amazing. Did it creep up on you as well? This overuse of the word “amazing” just sort of … appeared. Amazing. Here I was just a moment ago trying to read about the Dodgers, and Don Mattingly wanting more instant replay — they’d lost recently to the Brewers on a questionable call to end the

Read More »

I See That Hand

We imagine Thomas even doubted himself. When the other disciples said Christ had risen, this earnest empiricist first said, “unless I see” … then he realized it wasn’t enough. So he demanded to “thrust my hands into His side.” For Thomas, seeing wasn’t believing. But touch … that he had hopes for. * Seeing isn’t

Read More »

Related

Animal Planet

We’re watching Planet of the Apes. No, not the Charlton Heston one — this one. Only it’s supposed to be this one, from last year. So we’re on the middle one, the “first remake” (excluding the 17 sequels to the Charlton Heston one) and it’s by Tim Burton, with all that that entails, from Helena

Read More »

Get Out Of The Boat

For Jonah, dissent was a felix culpa, a happy fault that brought him closer to God. Or like Dante, when doubting pleased him no less than knowing (Inferno, Canto 11), for what he could learn and gain. Our error brings us closer to Him. And He knew it would do so. Then we know he

Read More »

Time, Treasure

Saw an episode ages ago of one of the Twilight Zone reboots which, I’m pretty sure, starred Mark Hamill as this weird kid who collected toys. All this kitschy stuff from the ‘50s and grew up collecting them — and thus stayed weird and for the most part apparently lonely for his life entire. Of course

Read More »

Bread

“We’re sorry,” said the man, pointing. “We ain’t much here.” The woman, they guessed his wife by the way she puttered around, doing many small things but nothing really, was shaking her head. The two were indicating the table, which indeed was sparse: bread of some kind, though it looked fresh baked at least, with

Read More »