Sometimes we imagine ourselves the star of our own personal blockbuster biopic, currently in production (it’s sometimes in development hell, but generally moving forward) and it’s all vital and crucial, Academy Award-material, two thumbs way up.
God is teaching us all this stuff, we think, even if don’t presently know what it is. And if we can figure it out, then it will all not only make sense, but also be worth it.
We want it to “mean” something, and then all of it will be alright, all the dangers and challenges and sadness, and we’ll be “OK with it.”
Not only that, but maybe … we’re not sure, because we don’t presently know what it is … maybe it’s gonna be big! And we mean BIG.
Then it will mean something.
And maybe we’ll get famous.
As if it isn’t meaningful enough for God to just want to be with us, and want us to be with Him, and want us to want what He wants. Imagine! God wants to hang with … us. He wants you. He wants me.
But do we still get to be the star in that movie deal you mentioned?
We want to know, because then, you know, it’ll be … even better!!
And I’m the star so I get to direct, because who else could, knows as much about us as we do?
At least I can be petulant in my trailer if the Writer / Director won’t pay attention to us, right?
Which is a lot weird, because the thing we just turned down was Him paying attention to us.
*
So I realize there’s no film.
So I say, “Then there is no purpose?”
If there’s no big production, what’s the point?
*
And that’s when I realize there’s also no defined end to the drama undeniably being played out in my life. It’s not a blockbuster biopic starring me, but something is going on. And here we mean when it’s not fun, because we were just looking for the meaning. And part of how there would be meaning is if I’m in charge, but if not I still want to know there’s an end, and I get the girl, find the money, and save my friends, family, town, world.
*
So bottom line, here’s my fear:
There’s apparently nothing that explains and justifies the pain,
and
There’s no foreseeable end to that pain, my fame waiting or not.
But if the first part is about being with God, why do I care when it ends?